Well, the semester is coming to a close! It is hard to believe that we only have two more weeks of postings and then on to the final papers. I wonder how these weeks have managed to go by so fast! I have learned so much this semester. Three full classes has been a lot of work! Good, fruitful work nonetheless!
There is so much going on at work as well. Change, change, anxiety, change, transition, anxiety... The congregation has filly got their "real" pastor. It has been three Sunday's now that the "real" pastor has been with us. An interim. Sorting through the hurtful label of what the opposite of "real" is (FAKE), has been tough. Giving my heart and soul to the congregation, making every effort to lead worship with respect, reverence, maturity, an enormous love of God and them, and get nothing but a slap in the face about how offering will rebound as well as attendance as soon as the "real" pastor arrives. Well.... I wondered how long I could keep that in. If they only knew how much it hurts. I guess I am just chopped liver to them.
I wonder if I will look back and think about how great of an experience this was and how much I grew from it? Or I wonder if I will always be bitter when looking back? I found some permission to let myself be hurt. I have found permission to feel angry and even feel sorry for myself. I have always figured that I should have done something different or tried to be better so it must be my fault. Instead, I am trying to allow hurt and pain so that I don't carry bitterness.
I wonder if there is any chance my first call will be to a congregation that respects, loves, prays for, embraces, that will walk along side me? I pray for the congregation that happens to be my first call. I don't know who you are, but I pray for you. I pray that we will be ready for one another. I pray that we will have mutual respect. I pray for you...
I wonder what the next few months will bring. My heart is heavy and today as I say in worship, I wanted to pack my office, and slip out the back door where no one would have noticed. I wonder if things will improve of the next months? I wonder if I am just in need of a true vacation from the office?
I know though, that I don't have to wonder about God's love for me. I know that I am a child of God and that nothing or no one will ever take that away from me!
~Blessings this Holy Week...
